I don’t want to want you. I don’t want to think, dream or speak of you. I don’t want to see you because every time I do, it seems as though you don’t see me. I don’t want to hear your mellifluous voice sing my name as if it was a beautiful melody. I don’t want your deep, serene eyes staring into mines only to see nothing but sadness and insecurity. I don’t want to feel short moments of euphoria every time we interact, I can’t handle a small dose of hope only to find it’s poisoned. I don’t want to ever think I have a chance because i find myself convincing myself that it’s all in my head anyways. I don’t want these stupid feelings. I don’t want to take anymore chances, because it seems I have a never ending losing streak. I don’t want to want you.
The reminder. That I’m nowhere pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. That I will never be good enough, that you deserve better.. That I’m not good enough. That I lost.. and that I will continue to keep losing.
Darkness. That’s where I reside. I view the lives of others sort of like climate. I know people who live with bright sunshine over their heads, even on rainy days. There are some who live under grey clouds, but sometimes the sun shines through. Me, I live in complete darkness. I feel as though my personal glorious star we call sun, has died a long time ago. I don’t know how or when, maybe it was stolen, maybe I lost it or misplaced it. Either way, my world is pitch black. Sometimes I can see the moon, but that’s only for a very short amount of time. It’s quite cold in the dark, sometimes it’s so cold I lose pieces of myself due to frost bite.. pieces I may never get back. Being in the dark isn’t all bad i guess, I’ve learned and realized so much about myself and others, too bad it doesn’t benefit me much but I still find it interesting. Sometimes someone wants to share their light with me, their warmth. Alot of times I refuse it, I couldn’t come to the idea of “stealing” someone’s light, even if it was offered. Enjoy your warmth, I’ll be fine in the dark. I sit here with my knees pulled into my chest, arms hugging my cold body, hoping for the mysterious beautiful moon to come out soon.
